There are a lot of things I thought I would start this journal with. As is my custom when I know I'm about to write something, but there are a few days in between knowing and actually writing, all manner of thoughts sprout up out of nowhere. For instance, my initial thought was to make this a journal about living a life I would be jealous of. More often than I care to admit, I find myself scrolling through pictures on facebook of some friend or family member's trip to Hawaii, or Thailand, and I think to myself "I wish I had that life," or "One day, when things are different, I'll do something like that." It's so obvious it pains me to admit it, but only very recently did it sink in what 'they' mean by "Comparison is the thief of joy." By comparing my life to someone who kayaks the Murray River in Australia, or hot air balloons in Africa, I was robbing myself of the wonder and magnificence of my own life. By comparison, of course I thought my life seemed less significant. I wasn't even giving my life a chance to seem amazing. Why do that? Why make comparisons? I once said that "without comparison we could never know true happiness; if we didn't compare darkness to light, how would we know the difference?" I think there is wisdom to this on a very basic level, but when it comes to comparing my life to someone else's life, it's just toxic, and redundant. Of course there's a difference between my life and theirs. The problem arises when I make some arbitrary decision to empower the other life and strip all power from my own.
So, there. I've determined that comparisons are unhealthy and therefore want to focus on being jealous of my own life. But, even still, I'm treading in dangerous waters here. 'They' say (I don't know who 'they' are) that jealousy works the opposite way that you want it to. Who am I serving by being jealous of my own life and, more importantly, what part/time of my life am I jealous of? If I'm jealous of the life I led when I was fifteen and still dancing, that won't help me now when I'm almost 26 and have to take a beginner's ballet class because I'm so out of practice. I guess a better word would be pride. I want to live a life that I'm proud of. But that barely comes closer to nailing it. I don't just want to reminisce on my life with pride and fondness; I want to look back with incredulity at my life. I want to be amazed and surprised at the things I dared to do. And I don't necessarily mean to climb Mount Everest, or bungee jump off the highest bridge in the world, but maybe just find the courage to strand up to that one person who made me feel small, or tell someone the honest truth, even if at the time it hurts them to hear it, or let go of someone I will always love, but is doing me no good to hold on to them.
Well, that's one part of my resolution. To backtrack just a touch, my big New Year's resolution is to journal everyday. Another resolution is what those big, long paragraphs up there were all about: Live a life that is awe-inspiring. Journalling everyday will help me keep my resolution. At the end of everyday I can look back on what I wrote and track my growth. My third resolution ties into the first two: Defining Happiness/Daily Resolutions. I've just started reading Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project." I'm only on the second chapter, but so far what I've noticed is she doesn't really define happiness, or maybe she can't. Happiness is an abstract word, like love, hate, joy, jealousy, greed, etc. Therefore, no matter what its dictionary definition might be - 1) The quality or state of being happy. 2) Good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy - the word doesn't exist in the here and now, the physical realm, the concrete. Can anyone explain what contentment is in a way that every person on earth can agree on? Absolutely not. These terms aren't uniform even if they are universal. So, I don't propose to use this journal to define happiness in a way that satisfies everyone's idea of it. I can only really find its meaning in the idiosyncrasies of my unique life and if anyone else agrees with me, that's just an added bonus. So, each day I will write down what it is that made me happy and that will define happiness for me on that particular day.
With my daily resolutions I might be cheating a bit, allowing for the happy moment to appear more clearly and easily. Nevertheless, I think it's important for me to set daily resolutions, or goals, so that the great task of a 365 day resolution doesn't bog me down. I guess you could say I'll be living life one day at a time. For example, I just got home to Victoria from Regina/Calgary and the floors are pretty dusty. There is three weeks of dust-bunny build-up in almost every crevice. While this sight usually makes me cringe and grab a broom before I've even shut my front door, I've resolved not to let it bother me today. I'm tired from waking up early, the time change, and two flights, one of which was so turbulent flashes of plane crashes via "Lost" came to mind. So, it doesn't phase me today. I'll deal with the dust tomorrow.
So, that's it. I know it's a lot for a girl whose resolution last year was to stop biting her nails (successfully, by the way), but I've been ignoring what's incredible about my life for far too long. If you don't push yourself forward, you're just standing still...so "they" say. And to wrap up this first ever resolution journal entry, I give you my definitions for happiness on January 2, 2013:
- My own bed again, complete with the perfect pillow and warm, brown, fleecy, fuzzy blanket.
- David's Tea tea - Chocolate Chilli Chai. Mmmm.
- Finding the SNL episode with Zooey Deschanel online and particularly the scene where she plays Mary-Kate Olsen and Kristen Wiig plays Bjork. Tips on being quirky from Bjork: "Take something you like and make it different. If you like swans, make them a dress. If you like screaming, make it a song. If you like clouds, make them your friends."
- Getting home at 10:30am after waking up at 5 (3am in Victoria) and finding the energy to not sleep away a beautifully sunny day.
- Being the last one on the Airport shuttle bus and the bus driver, Steve, being kind enough to drop me off at my front door, instead of Cook Street Village.
- Lunch with a friend at the Little Thai Place. Mmmmm, Green Curry!
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